27 March 2024

Dear men: Your attraction can be a gift.

Your Attraction Is a Gift: How Men Can Share Desire Without Being “That Guy”

As a sex and relationship coach, I work primarily with men who are attracted to women. Which means I see up close how confusing it can be to navigate attraction in today’s world.

On the one hand, men are bombarded with messages like:
“Men are pigs.”
“Men only want one thing.”
“Keep it in your pants, dude.”

On the other hand, there are far fewer examples of men expressing attraction in ways that feel good.

Here’s the truth: attraction itself is not wrong. It’s part of your life force. And when expressed with awareness, it can be a profound gift.

To show you what I mean, I want to share three personal experiences where a man’s attraction genuinely uplifted me.

Example #1: The Subway Smile

Years ago, I was riding the NYC subway after a rough day. I noticed the young man beside me was attracted to me—not in a creepy way, but in a lighthearted, slightly shy way. He didn’t push or stare, but I could feel his interest.

For six stops, I felt his energy. I started to grin, and by the time I got off, my whole mood had shifted. I looked back, smiled at him, and he smiled back. We never exchanged words, but his attraction brightened my entire day.

Example #2: Wanted, No Matter What

During a difficult stretch with my former partner, one constant was his attraction to me. Even if I showed up in sweatpants with messy hair, he desired me—fully and without condition.

That steadiness was healing. It reminded me that I didn’t have to perform to be wanted. His drive wasn’t just sexual; it was vitality itself, and it rekindled mine.

Example #3: A Compliment That Landed

One winter day, I put on a dress to go grocery shopping—nothing fancy, but it felt good. As I walked past a man with a clipboard, he called out, “You look nice today, miss.” That was it. Simple, kind, and with no expectation.

It landed. My spirits soared. I called back, “Thank you! That really means something today.” We shared a smile, both lighter than before.

Now, to be clear: I’ve also had uncomfortable, even frightening experiences. Like being stared down in a library and fearing I was being followed.

The difference between what feels threatening versus uplifting usually comes down to two things:

1. Ease and Lightness

When a man is at ease with his attraction, it shows. He’s breathing, smiling, relaxed in his body. His attention feels like sunshine—warm and welcome.

When he’s not okay with his desire—tense, shallow-breathed, unsmiling—his energy feels off. That’s when women feel unsafe.

2. No Entitlement

In the positive moments, I never felt the man thought he deserved my attention. He offered his appreciation without needing anything back.

The threatening encounters felt different—like he wanted something from me: my smile, my validation, my time. That neediness makes the energy heavy.

Owning your attraction as a man takes practice. Many of my clients arrive terrified of being “that guy.” But when they learn to express desire with lightness, respect, and authenticity, the results are beautiful:

“I complimented a woman at CVS and she lit up!”
“I owned my attraction at a church event, and I could feel her enjoying it.”
“My wife actually initiated sex this weekend—I think it’s how I’ve been showing up.”

Dear men: your attraction can be sacred. It’s not a liability—it’s part of your vitality, your essence, your masculine light.

When you reclaim it and share it with presence, it becomes a gift.

Here’s to more warmth, more vitality, and more genuine connection for us all.

Melanie Curtin is a sex & relationship coach for men and couples, and host of the podcast Dear Men: How to Rock Sex, Dating & Relationships With Women.